A Taboo Shackle

Some of you reading this might already know this part of my story. It took a long time for me to be able to talk and share about it, but I now feel it’s time to share my experiences in a more public way, because I believe there are others in the same Comparison Prison I was trapped in. This particular shackle is heavy, shame inducing, and often relationship ending. This shackle comes from being in a relationship with someone addicted to pornography. When I discovered my partner’s addiction, I was devastated. I lived in a place of shame, of feeling less than, for a very long time. Comparing myself to the women in the porn videos. SHACKLE.

Comparing the way I have sex to the sex in the videos. Yes, I said it. I’m not afraid to be real. SHACKLE.

Comparing my appearance to the women in the videos. SHACKLE.

I believe many women feel like they can’t and don’t measure up to the women in the videos. Their significant other is addicted to watching other women have sex so they must not be enough for him to NOT watch it. They must not be attractive enough for him. They must not be kinky enough for him. Those are heavy and burdensome shackles to wear. I know because I wore them for YEARS, not telling even my closest friends or my family, shackled by shame and false comparison. They were shackles I had no reason to be wearing, based on unrealistic views of reality and my self-worth. We must be careful and mindful of the difference between fantasy and reality. Pornography is fantasy. Your relationship is reality.

The shackle from this relationship was unlocked when I prayed for God to show me the way to unlock the shackles. I dug in and did some research, which revealed to me some helpful information. I want to make it clear that I am not a therapist. I am sharing what helped me. I am sharing my particular experience and how my personal shackles were unlocked. My hope is that my experience might help you. One thing I learned is that some people are addicted to pornography because there is no intimate relationship involved. It’s a no relationship relationship. Knowing this helped me to realize it might have been a sexual release for my partner with no strings attached.

Pornography didn’t expect him to help with the kids.

Pornography didn’t expect intimate conversations.

Pornography didn’t expect him to work to pay the bills.

However, I also learned that there are non-sexual related motivations to watch it. Some people are addicted to pornography because of low self-esteem, depression, loneliness, or anxiety. Discovering these facts helped me to unlock the shackles and the responsibility I had put upon myself. I was blaming myself, assuming it was my fault he was addicted. It wasn’t my fault. I had no reason to feel shame because of it. Though the addiction ultimately played a part in my relationship ending, I was able to let myself off the hook, so to speak.

The porn stars and videos do not represent a sexual ideal.

The addiction had nothing to do with me personally.

I couldn’t change him. I could change me.

I can choose to honor myself and my feelings.

I can choose to see that I am worth more than a false comparison.

I can get help to work through the issue, even if he doesn’t.

Some people find the topic of pornography uncomfortable to be around. I get that. It’s the reason why I didn’t tell my closest friends and family about my experience with it for so long. It’s the reason that shackles are being locked on to so many people that have a loved one involved with it. It’s the reason I am writing about it here. It’s taboo, ESPECIALLY in the Christian realm. I want that to change. My heart is really for women on this subject because I am a woman that has been there. My hope is that if you are in this type of situation that me choosing to share my experience here might encourage you to examine how to unlock the shackles you might be wearing because of it.

Here is the key:

No matter the relationship shackles you wear, it is important to know that when you start to unlock the shackles, past or present, your future in those relationships will be better because of it. Even if that means ending a relationship. Or starting a new one. Or making an existing one better. Walking through the reason for the shackles can be difficult, wonderful, scary and life changing, but it will always be worth it. I will tell you that once you start examining what you tolerate in relationships to release yourself from the prison that evaluation process will overflow into other areas of your life. During the examination process, I realized that there were friendships that I needed to cut loose. I can’t really remember ever having to do that before. I am an adult woman and just realized that sometimes relationships must end, and I can choose when they end.

I didn’t have to cut the friendships loose because I was comparing myself to those friends. Not at all. I had to cut them loose because they were toxic to my mindset and life in other ways. They were toxic relationships which involved shame and they were creating a prison of their own kind. So, while you are examining what you tolerate as it relates to comparison, you might want to peek and see if you are wearing other types of shackles in other types of prisons.

Things to Ponder:

What shackles do you wear based on appearances?

Do you have any shackles of comparison that were put on during past relationships?

What shackles did you put on because of the habits of other people in your life?

What can you do to shift and unlock those shackles?

Guest Contributor: Pam Russell is a native Texan who has had a successful sales career for over twenty years. She is currently resides in the DFW area in Texas. She is the Director of Corporate Engagement for a respiratory care association.